If I Were Marvin Gaye

If I were Marvin Gaye

And you were Diana Ross

I'd take you in my arms

And kiss you in that sort of awkward, unpleasant way that people kiss sometimes, you know like where your teeth bang against each other?

We'd run along a street, hand in hand

Singing love songs to each other

And also possibly songs only marginally connected to the subject, like What's Going On, which although featuring a slight love-related theme, is more about a universal concept of fraternal love than the romantic and sexual feelings which I would wish to express to you, although it's an excellent song, really.

We would climb the highest mountain

A big, icy mountain

Where Lex Luthor lives

In a castle

I would use my magical Marvin Gaye-Ray to penetrate his lair

And you would stab him with your mystical Diana Ross machete

And we'd celebrate with an adequately cooked chicken.

If I were Marvin Gaye

And you were Diana Ross,

I'd spend all day serenading you with my smooth vocal stylings, and you would clap and laugh and drift away and occasionally ask whether that one was actually Otis Redding.

And I'd tell you to shut up and slap you because honestly I have a severe alcohol problem that I just won't get help for.

Which explains this whole poem.